Reliving the Past: Like a Slap to the Face

Disclaimer: this is going to be long.

Don't let the image of a Koala getting punched in the face fool you, this post is actually pretty serious and depressing. How splendid.

I've written posts in the past detailing how over the past couple of years I've gone through varying levels of personal growth - building new perspectives, changing some of my old ways, and with the help of some key individuals, becoming a better person - or so I've been told.

I've always been the type to take things one day at a time, even going to the lengths of detailing how I hate five year plans before, and going slightly off the rails by leaving an open letter with a few harsh words to certain malefactors.

Despite all of my (few) personal advancements there still lingers personal demons, past experiences, mistakes, failures, and history, that at given moments continue to either haunt, or gnaw away at me to this day. After all, the past has a way of catching up with everyone, one way or another - and more often than not it comes about like a sobering dose of reality, often catching you off-guard; like a slap to the face. Sometimes quite literally.

Over the course of November and early December, I spent a considerable amount of time thinking, recollecting and reliving some of the darker portions of my past, notably for a project I presented and handed in for a course at University.

It was the first time I spoke openly on the subject, and the first time I had even discussed it at all, with anyone, in the five years following it. Pardon my being cryptic on the subject, but it's not a subject I like to even broach, let alone air out to the entire series of tubes.

Following the airing of my grievances, I got commended by many for being brave, or courageous for even sharing the experience, and for once in a long while it felt like a great weight had been lifted, at least partially, off of my shoulders. I had opened up on a part of my history which has obviously had a great impact and effect on me, but more importantly, that I had kept locked away, as unhealthy as I know that can be.

It felt good to finally have some room to breathe, and to think back on things in a less negative light - something that a few people helped me do. Of course, as with most everything, there's always a but.

I'm a big proponent of the simple theory that shit happens, and that the world is not without a sense of irony, in the dramatic sense, where the spectators are aware of things that the main players are not. So it's hard for me to understand why exactly, or even how it came to be that this week, I would find myself thrown into the direction of that metaphorical, and literal slap to the face.

After five years of keeping something locked away, I had finally let it off my chest, opened the flood gates so to speak, and despite my own personal anger behind it, gained a better measure of acceptance of it. So it's no wonder how baffled I am at how only a month later I would happen to bump into someone greatly familiar to the situation, who would give me a stark reminder of all the reasons, mostly negative, as to why I had not spoken of it for so long.

You would think that after five years, some individuals dispositions would change. That after all, time heals all wounds. But when I literally got slapped in the face, and berated in public earlier this past week, it just went to prove otherwise; that some things, and some people just don't change. And in this case, it might have been better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Needless to say, getting slapped in the face and told to die - in more or less words - is something that gets you thinking. And usually not about sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. So I'm hoping for a bit of a windfall of change to sweep through the next few weeks, and to hopefully put me on the up. Even though I already know that there's going to be some down moments to come in those next few weeks.

Back in August I said something that I almost nearly forgot I had said, that being:

Change is what I want. Change is what I need. And the time for it might as well be now. But those are just words and talk is cheap, so we'll just have to wait and see. 

So far, for the most part, I'm still waiting. The disheartening part is how close I am to some truly big changes in my life, considering I'm on the fast track to graduating and moving forward with my life.

I've never really stressed much about school, I basically go with the flow, but I'm starting to feel the pressure to finish and to succeed from virtually everyone else. Pressure that's carrying over now not just in my academic life, but my potential future career, potential future everything.

Main problem is I don't see myself as being any further ahead as I was nearly six years ago when I graduated from high school. Who I want to be, where I want to go, what I want to become, are all questions I still don't have answers to, but it seems like everyone else is hinging on me figuring it all out as soon as possible - and that's undue stress that I really don't need right now.

Plus there's all the other little and big things that are constantly on my mind. Good times...

And that's all I have to say about that. - Forrest Gump

- J

The 5 Year Plan: I'll Get Back to You in 5 More Years

Alright, so officially summer doesn't come to an end until September 21st, but for all intents and purposes this summer is starting to run out of gas and will surely fall short of the mark.

It seems like it was only a month or so ago that I tossed the books and shenanigans of University aside for another year. Truth of the matter is that was four months and one more summer has officially been pissed down the tubes. While better than the last few that passed before it, summer has a tendency to go by way too fast to really be enjoyable.

There's still a week of full-time work hours to sink and a weekend full of shenanigans to be had, but it already feels like the plug is being pulled on the summer - except for the fact that it's hot as hell out this week.

Come next Wednesday I'll be back with my nose to the grindstone in what should be my final year at University, at least as an undergrad. As for beyond that, I'm still at a bit of a loss. Once I'm done, I don't know what's next, despite how long it's taken for me to get to this point in time.

I'm sure that I'm not the only person who's been asked the next question before:  

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Someone asked me that just over five years ago - and my answer is still more or less the same: Hell if I know, ask me in five years.

I've always been more of a person who goes from day to day. I don't have an ultimate goal in life, no real dreams to speak of; my future is basically a shroud of uncertainty. And that's kind of annoying. I wouldn't say it's because I lack perspective, but more that I lack it in the right places. That or I just haven't had my eyes opened fully yet. I see the world but I don't necessarily see my place in it.

What I can say is that in this past year, I have learned more about myself than I have throughout the rest of these paltry 23 years. 

I've come to a few realizations, changed some of my ways and in general things are somewhat on the up.

Too little too late? Just in the nick of time? Who knows. All I know is that I don't have the time, nor the desire to have to deal with certain types of trivial bullshit anymore. My time would be much better served focusing on other things and less on things that bring me nothing but grief. So consider this is an open letter:

To whom it may concern,

Fuck you.

That is all.

- J.K.A.